A few weeks before Caleb and I got married, I went to the to get on birth control. Caleb and I are definitely not ready to have mini Sepulvedas running around so we wanted to make sure we took every precaution available to us to prevent that until we are financially and mentally ready. We want kids in the next few years, but we want to wait until after Caleb graduates.
Anyway, the doctor started asking me questions about my rapid weight gain in the previous months. Despite my best efforts- going to the gym everyday, eating right to get ready for my wedding, the weight kept piling on. She nodded as I told her all of this and quickly came to a diagnosis of PCOS. My heart sank and I began to cry as I had only ever heard really negative things about PCOS.
For those of you who may not know what PCOS is, it stands for poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. PCOS is a condition that affects a womans hormone levels. The body produces too much of the male hormones which effects the ovaries and the production of eggs in some cases. It varies in severity from woman to woman and some symptoms include
- Weight gain
- excess hair growth on the face and body
- irregular periods
I feel very blessed to have a mild case of PCOS with the only two symptoms that I have being weight gain and irregular periods. My biggest fear with this diagnosis was that Caleb and I weren’t going to be able to have children. I felt like I was going to let him down and I was angry that there was a possibility that my body wasn’t going to be able to do the one thing that a woman’s body is engineered to do.
I remember leaving the doctors office and just breaking down in tears because honestly, I didn’t really know what the heck I was just diagnosed with and my mind usually goes to the worst case scenarios first. I was afraid that my body was tainted and that Caleb wasn’t going to want me anymore. I was afraid that he was going to be scared off at the mention of the possibility of infertility. I was a blubbering ball of anxiety and fear.
I turned on the radio to listen to music as I was driving home and it was so crazy. God knew exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. The song “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns poured through the speakers and took away every ounce of anxiety and fear that I had in that moment. I pulled over into a parking lot and soaked in the lyrics.
“Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held”
Fast Forward a little bit, Caleb was never scared away by any of this and has been the epitome of a supportive husband. Doing his own research to understand what my body is going through and how he can help me. He made sure that I knew through out this whole process that it was nothing to be ashamed about and has relentlessly reminded me that God controls my life and he can heal me with the touch of a finger. He has really proven to me that in sickness and in health was not just a sentence that he had to repeat in front of 120 people. When I was feeling like less of a woman (even though that is silly and women with PCOS are incredibly strong) he took me out and helped me feel better. Whatever I am needing in the moment, Caleb comes through and proves that this is just another trial that we will get through together.
After being on the medicine for a few months, my hormones are slowly fixing themselves and I have had a regular period since my first visit to the doctor. My doctor has reassured me time and time again that things are turning around and when Caleb and I are ready to have children, we will have no issues if things keep going how they are going. I feel extremely blessed even as I continue to struggle with some of this. I am just so blessed by the fact that I have a mild case, a supportive husband and a healing and peace bringing Lord.
I will be the first to admit that I was very ashamed of my diagnosis at first. I am sure I am not alone in that feeling but I have come to realize a few things.
1. PCOS does not make you less of a woman. It is a hard thing to come to terms with and it really isn’t fair but the strength of the women who endure this syndrome, both mentally and physically is so incredible. It will bring your fight out help you prove just how much of a woman you are. And a strong woman at that.
2. It’s more common than you think and it’s nothing to be ashamed about. There is a huge community of women who are willing to talk and help when you are ready to reach out and talk about it.
3. There is nothing that God can’t do for you when you lift things up to him. He will heal you and make you better. All it takes is a mustard seed of faith.
4. I married right. 😛 Caleb has been so amazing and has made me realize the importance of wedding vows. He proves to me every day that he is in this no matter what.
If there is anyone out there who needs to talk or wants prayer about this topic- send me a message.